Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
be right there i have to get my cape
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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