I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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