how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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