I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
