Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
