I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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