last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
