dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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