Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
