i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
