I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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