He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
