you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
