Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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