the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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