Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
