I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
