When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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