I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
