Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
