READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
