I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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