I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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