Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
