she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
