good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
