PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
