I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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