The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
