If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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