do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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