i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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