Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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