my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
