My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
