i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
