your room smells of hookers.
And success
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
