you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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