I wish I could teleport
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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