this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
