It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
