He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
