I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
