Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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