the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
