those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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