i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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