I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
MIDGETS
????
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude. I can hear the air.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
