you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
