o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
